The poetics of Delta
a Delta press release from yours truly
I want you to close your eyes (metaphorically; keep reading) and imagine a symphony.
It begins with the whoosh of a Boeing airplane door flying off mid-flight. What follows are dozens of whistleblowers from the wind section, followed by the screeching bow of wheels skidding off the runway.
Now, in this state of zen, I shall tell you of Delta’s new promotion:
Our New Delta Reserve Amex is Made from Retired Boeing Aircrafts Which, We Assure You, Has Nothing to Do with Recent Events
Dear valued customer,
Now through June 5, we’re offering a limited-edition Delta Reserve American Express Card made from part of a retired Boeing aircraft. We’ve chosen the word “retired” over the word “grounded.”
Indeed, this program was developed completely independent of the fact that hundreds of Boeing aircrafts are clogging up warehouses around the world after a series of unfortunate events. That, while tragic, is tangential.
It’s true, it would be quite the marketing strategy to disassemble faulty planes, break the metal into pocket-sized pieces and place them into the hands of our wealthiest and most untouchable customers. Perhaps we should have thought of that sooner.
But these are just regular old cards made from regular old planes that were perfectly fine when we began—with surprisingly great ease—popping off bolts and slicing them to pieces.
Each card is made of Boeing’s highly durable metal able to sustain, for example, a drop from 30,000 feet into the backyard of a Portland science teacher. As an added touch, we’ve printed the plane’s history on each, including first and last flights. You may be summoned to present your card as evidence in a court case, but let’s not worry with those details at the moment.
We’re pleased to say that all new cardholders will enjoy a welcome bonus of 60,000 SkyMiles after you spend $5,000 in purchases and also tell no one about the card.
We’re even introducing more ways to earn, including 2x the points when you select a window seat on any of our Boeing aircrafts. We feel certain this will fling open new doors for cardholders, which we remind you, is only a metaphor.
Thank you for being a valued member. We know you have a choice when it comes to travel, and you’re choosing to fly because the threat of potential disaster awakens a primal need to “feel something” that you can’t otherwise experience.
We’re deeply grateful for your loyalty. Did you read that? Loyalty. Remember that.
Delta, I still love you. I just couldn’t resist the irony. You walked right into it this time.
And Boeing, this year has not been your best performance. Let’s change our tune, why don’t we? The airlines are running out of earplugs.
🐱
Emma