The poetics of anonymity

& why I moved to Spain

Hello friends! It’s been a while.

But for good reason. I woke up one day recently and thought, “you know what would be more fun than doing freelancer taxes? Doing freelancer taxes in two countries.”

In short, I went freelance & moved to Madrid—two twin dreams I’ve been harboring for some time now.

At one point, my mom asked for a succinct explanation to share with her friends. But ‘succinct’ is hard for a girl who filled three journals on a single crush in middle school.

So how about a post instead?

The elder dream: living abroad.

It started a good decade ago, when I went to the Cannes Lions Festival as a student. Before I left, my roommate teased me for the to-do list I had hanging on the fridge:

• pack bags

• call credit card company

• learn French

To be fair, I didn’t specify the degree to which I intended to learn French. Before I’d landed, I had ultimately learned how to say “I don’t speak French.” Incorrectly. And I’d argue that only made the statement more impactful.

But there was something about being wordless there.

I grew up in the era of self-declaration—Facebook relationship statuses, bumper stickers that read “my child is an honor student.” Everyone had a label to wear, so ‘words person’ became mine. Then suddenly, here I was without words.

And I hated it. I was so easily embarrassed—so sure I was committing some huge ‘faux pas’ every time I opened my mouth. (See? I know French!)

But then I settled into a kind of anonymity. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t ‘declare myself’ properly. I was traipsing through France, ‘nothing to declare.’

Something similar draws me to Madrid now. I want to be a student of language again. I want to try and speak with only a single row of scrabble letters.

And I want to be anonymous. I’ve had enough of declarations (she declares). I want more of my sentences to be questions.

Which brings me to the second-born dream…

If one’s company and two’s a crowd…

…what’s an immigration lawyer, an accountant, a Spanish gestor and an international tax lawyer?

An investment. That’s what it is. And so comes the freelancing piece. It’s hard to say one decision drove the other, really. Like I said, twin dreams—albeit fraternal—but the gene of curiosity ran through them both. And both came with a lot of questions.

I’d spent the past five years at a US ad agency, writing car commercials about sexy nerds and scaring the sh*t out of strangers. Frankly, I’d had a blast.

But I was always compelled by the idea of being my own business. It scared me, and I liked that. I spent my childhood watching my dad grow something from the ground up, on little more than the belief that he could. He was curious. He was driven. He was living. (He’s still living, just to clarify.)

So I decided to take the leap. Getting to that point wasn’t all smooth sailing, but I’m unlearning the belief that I’m more fragile than I really am. It turns out when you have your sights set on something, you can withhold stronger winds than you think.

So a ‘thank you.’

…to you, dear friends & family & internet acquaintances along for the ride. I traveled all over in the past two years. I never considered myself a nomad; I was always looking for ‘home.’ But in the meantime, so many of you made the search feel like a kind of ‘home’ too.

So here we are, way over character count for my official statement (sorry mom 🫠). The truth is, it’s hard to put big decisions into words; so many are made with the gut. But I have taken to asking myself this:

1. Does it scare me?

2. But in a good way?

If yes to both, then we’re in business.

PS—as you now know, I actually am in business, at emmamurf.com. I’m booked up through the end of the year, but hmu if you need help in the new year!

🐱
Emma